One month

Can't believe my baby is one month old. In the beginning I thought time was moving so slow. The days and nights were so long without sleep or having a clue how to care for a newborn. We struggled so hard with breastfeeding (I'll save that for another post) and we stayed up most nights crying together. But now we have some really good nights and some really bad nights mixed in.

 I don't care what anyone says, having a newborn is HARD! And to those of you who do it without any help, hats off to you. I wouldn't survive without my husband who holds her from 8pm-12am so I can get a little chunk of sleep. My sister in laws who listen to me complain and ask a million questions, and give me advice every day. My mother in law who comes over at 6am when I just have no clue what to do. And my mom, who drops everything all the time to swoop in and work her Nana magic with Lola. Or just comes over to keep me company when I feel lonely while chuck is at work.

So far we've learned a few things about Lola in a month. What I thought was the cutest face ever, I called it her "duck face" where she purses her lips and looks like she's going to whistle, turns out to be the face she makes when she's pooping! 😉 it's still adorable. 

We will never go another night again without giving her a bath. She hated the sponge baths at first and now enjoys real baths, which I think helps her sleep better at night.

As she's falling asleep she likes to be whispered to. Even if you're whispering "I wish we were both sleeping right now" 

And she likes the sound of water running, which is a huge bonus for mama getting a shower in almost every day. (In desperate times I've considered running our well dry by leaving it on all day to get some sleep)

So even though we have seriously frustrating times. We have some silly ones and some seriously loving ones too. She's worth every minute of lost sleep with those beautiful blue eyes and full head of gorgeous hair.

Here's to many many many more months with our little pumpkin. 

Three Weeks With a Newborn

So these last 3 weeks have been crazy. So so so crazy and so hard. Lola didn't sleep much that first week. And neither did we. Thankfully we had quite a bit of help (Im talking, call chucks sister or mom at 6am and ask her to come over so we can sleep for 20 minutes, kind of help). I was having extreme pain from nursing and I would dread every feeding. Clench my fists and count out loud until it was over. I felt like the worst mother in the world for dreading wanting to feed my baby. 

The second week started rough and slowly got better. I was learning the phrase that every mother has said to me this far "it gets easier" was coming true. Some nights so far have been great with her eating and falling back asleep right away for 2 hours. Once or twice we've gotten her to sleep for 3 hours! 

Aside from feeling like nothing but a milk machine and a sleepless zombie, I have moments where I am so flustered and just cry and cry, or moments that I watch her FINALLY doze off to sleep after rocking her or walking her around the house for hours and see her little smile as she's falling asleep and think "wow, we MADE this" 

This third week has been the most challenging. The last couple nights she has not slept at all unless one of us is holding her and moving constantly. If she finally gets to sleep and we lay her down, she's up in 15 minutes. I swear she has a "mommy is closing her eyes" radar. 

So last night and this morning my mom had to come over and keep me calm and help me not lose it. She rocked her for 4 hours so I could sleep 2 of them. I have the worst anxiety about going to sleep. I'm  so tired and exhausted but half the time can't seem to fall asleep because of all my worry. I can't shut my brain off. 

Well her 3 week pediatricians appointment helped me find a little bit better perspective. She gained 13 ounces in ONE WEEK. All those pillow clenching excruciating 40 minute nursing sessions 10 times a day. And no one but me made my baby grow. 

So as I sit here rocking her in her nursery and she ACTUALLY is asleep on my chest, I realize that all the advice is true. It's all worth it. 

Three weeks of Lola Rose:

Fresh 48

Before Lola was born, we had some amazing maternity photos taken to capture the time we had experiencing pregnancy and our marriage during pregnancy preparing for our little pumpkin. Our photographer offers a session called "Fresh 48" where she would have a photo session in the hospital within 48 hours of Lola's birth. I am SO happy we decided to do these photos. They turned out amazing and I want to share a few here. I had a rough recovery in the hospital but she somehow made every photo look magical! So thankful to have these forever to remember her little details from those first few days! 

Thank you Ashley Sasak Photography! 

Welcome Lola Rose Kaufman

On Friday October 2nd, 2015 at 4:55pm our beautiful and amazing baby girl was born. She weighed 8lbs 7oz and was 20" long of pure perfection. 

Lolas birth story is still pretty traumatic for me to think about. However, i loved hearing about other birth stories while I was pregnant so I would like to share it.

Chuck and I were scheduled to go into the hospital at midnight on October 1 to be induced. I was being induced one week early due to kidney infection complications. My doctor thought we only had a short window to deliver her without me having an infection. When we got there, and found out my cervix hadn't been dilated or effaced at all. They inserted a medicine to soften my cervix and it had to sit for 12 hours before anything was to happen. Well within a few hours I was having contractions. I tried to sleep through them and think I did a little bit. So by noon the next day, the medicine was removed, I was checked for dilation and still NOTHING! I was so bummed. The monitor was showing contractions 1.5 minutes apart for HOURS. How could I not be dilated at all? Well the next plan was to let me eat, and insert another 12 hour medicine. So I started to eat and then started feeling intense amounts of pain in my kidneys, and (sorry TMI) was peeing blood. My initial thought was, oh no another infection. The doctor decided to give me an epidural to help with the kidney/bladder pain and contractions I was feeling. I had a mini panic attack in the middle of the epidural due to the pain medicine they had given me. I made them stop and take a break after marking the area on my spine. My husband wasn't allowed in the room with me, so thank God for this amazing nurse who helped me through it by holding cold wash cloths on my face and neck and making me look into her eyes and breathe. 

Turns out, epidural worked for pain and my doctor checked me again and I had progressed to 1.5 cm on my own during the "break" from the medicine. They decided it was finally time for the pitocin.  I got some sleep that night! Though sleeping with numb back and legs isn't really sound sleeping. 

My contractions were so consistent all night long, my doctor finally checked me in the morning and I had only progressed to 2cm. After another 12 hours I was devastated. Though during my exam my water broke, so I felt a little more confident things would start moving along. 

Another check a few hours later and still NOTHING. My doctor gave me til 2:30pm to progress. He said I needed to be 3.5cm or more to let me go any longer.

Now my contractions were now less then a minute apart and im FEELING them. Even with the epidural. They were so painful and uncomfortable. My epidural was redosed twice, and finally 2:30 rolled around. I was sure things were happening.

To my disappointment yet again, I wasn't even 3cm. The doctor then asked what chuck and I thought about a c section. He thought at this point it was the safest thing to do since my water had been broken for hours. I was heartbroken. I was terrified. But all I wanted was my little girl. 

At about 3:00pm I was being told and prepped for what was to happen before the OR and in the OR. There must have been 3 nurses in my room, my husband, my doctor, my mom and dad, my MIL, and one or two anesteisioloigists and they were all talking. I was having a nervous breakdown and just wanted everything to be quiet. At one point I told my doctor in a not so nice tone to "please stop talking" and he didn't listen very well. Though I know he was just trying to keep my mind occupied, I was trying to remain as calm as possible and not hyperventilate. 

Eventually they were getting ready to wheel me into the OR when someone paged over the nurses pager "the air conditioning is out in the OR so it's REALLY REALLY hot in there" cue my next nervous breakdown.

At 4:04 they wheeled me into the OR, prepped me, redosed my epidural and started testing it. I felt every sensitivity test they tried. The epidural wasn't working. They chose to take it out and start a spinal. In my head all I was thinking was "just breathe and stay calm until chuck can come in" 

After the spinal, I think I went into a foggy haze. I remember laying on the table and chuck saying "I'm right here babe" and the nurse responding "she probably can't feel that"

I couldn't feel my arms. He was holding my hand and I couldn't feel anything. Then I tried to say something, and nothing came out. So I tried to say "I can't talk" and nothing was coming out! My vocal chords were numb. Then I realized..... I also can't breathe, and if I can't talk how am I going to tell them I can't breathe. I mouthed it over and over to them and they told me "you are breathing, it just feels like you aren't because your spinal is really high and you're numb"

I was numb UP TO MY FACE! It was the scariest thing I have ever felt. Not talking, and feeling like you can't breathe. 

It felt like so much time had gone by, when I heard them finally say "the baby is out 4:55pm" 

I was so relieved even though I couldn't even turn my head to see her or ask anything about her. 

What seemed like hours, but was probably only minutes chuck was bringing her over to me to see her and touch her cheek to mine. Even though I couldn't touch her or really even feel her, knowing she was out and okay was the most amazing feeling. 

They took her away and I pushed myself to get my voice back. They were stitching me up and I could feel the pressure and rugs but I kept asking how much longer til my arms weren't numb anymore. I was DYING to hold her.

I was wheeled to recovery where I started getting feeling back in my arms and getting my voice back. I felt completely out of it. I remember saying over and over again I was so out of it and exhausted but I felt like if I fell asleep I might never wake up again. I remember shaking uncontrollably and they told me it was normal. They were closely monitoring my oxygen and assured me I was just exhausted. 

FINALLY my arms felt more stable and chuck brought our baby girl to me to hold. She immediately wanted to latch to me. I sobbed and sobbed saying over and over again "im so happy" Chuck captured that incredible moment for me on video. I'm a mess with wires and tubes all over me but I can't watch the video without sobbing uncontrollably again. 

This little girl I waited for so long to hold, to meet, to see her face. To rub her head. She was FINALLY in my arms and she wanted to bond with me immediately. I was SO IN LOVE.

Since I was in surgery and recovery for so long, chuck was the one with her during her exam and bath, etc. What an AMAZING thing to see your husband so in love with his daughter. She absolutely loved him from the first second. I could see the pride in his eyes and hear the love in his voice. I was hooked! 

Though I went through so much to get this little girl into the world, and my husband still thanks me for it, I do know that I would do it all again for her. 

Because seriously...look at this face 

Thanks everyone for all your kind words throughout the last week with her. We're still learning the newborn stage through exhaustion and love. And I'm recouping from it all. 

HEADED TO THE HOSPITAL

Since I'm not going to make it to 39 weeks, here's my last pregnancy chalkboard before we go in tonight at midnight to be induced. I have never felt this many emotions in my entire life. Excitement, fear, anxiety, love. Every emotion rushes through every single cell of my body faster then I knew possible. This little girl we fought so hard to create, this little girl we worked so hard to keep healthy. This little girl who is going to make every piece of me complete. She has no idea how loved she already is. We are literally counting down the minutes until we get to meet you, hold you, give you everything we ever can, and never let you go.

How far along: 38 weeks plus 6 days

Gender: Girl! 

Weight gain: Official weight gain 30 lbs this pregnancy.

Maternity clothes: maternity clothes and leggings only
 

Stretch marks: Can't even believe I'm finishing these surveys still answering this as NONE

Belly button in or out: its OUT! It took all 38 weeks but it happened!

Sleep: I go to bed at 9 every night but I don't really sleep. I am TOO excited

Best moment this week: a wonderful Saturday out to breakfast with Chuck, buying pumpkins and mums, and a beautiful fall walk with my mom and ice cream to follow. Soaking it all up!

Worst moment this week: the anxiety! Every little ache and pain I think "is this labor?" just to find out it's not

Miss anything: I miss so much. Clams, vodka, bending down to put shoes on, wearing jeans, walking on the bike path. But I'd do it all again to get to this point of almost meeting her!

Movement: her movements are still strong, but she is running out of room so they feel like they're in slow motion now

Cravings: this week, cherry kool aid. Needed it ASAP so chuck ran out and bought some. I haven't had kool aid is YEARS

Symptoms: major pelvic bone pain. I walk like I've been riding a horse for 48 hours straight

Looking forward to: MIDNIGHT. I can't even believe this is all about to happen. Our life is going to be turned completely upside down in the most precious and amazing way this life offers. I am SO grateful. I can't wait to see what she looks like and to hold her and tell her how mommy and daddy would do anything in the world for her.

38 weeks

How far along: 38 weeks

Gender: Girl! 

Weight gain: Uh oh, this one jumped this week. I'm up 30 LBS now!!!!

Maternity clothes: other then pajamas, all maternity clothes. Glad I'm done having to buy them though. I LOVED everything I purchased from Gap Maternity. I highly recommend anything. Very comfy.
 

Stretch marks: no, and seriously my stomach feels SO stretched out this week

Belly button in or out: kinda moving out now….

Sleep: Absolutely no sleep this week. I used to be the girl who could sleep for 12 hours every night

Best moment this week: a fun weekend, getting a lot of things accomplished!

Worst moment this week: waking up Sunday night to horrible pains, thinking I was in labor. Going to the hospital and being admitted for THREE days for ANOTHER kidney infection. WHY couldn't it just be labor??? Was on IV meds and thought I was going home the next day until they told me my infection can only be treated with iV meds and I was going to be induced the FOLLOWING Monday. Well the next day they found an oral antibiotic I was going to be able to go home with, but not until they tested it out on my for 24 hours. It was a LONG 3 days in there, and I'm SO happy to be able to go home before she comes!

Miss anything: walking, exercising, sleeping, drinking wine

Movement: oh yes, she is quite the mover and shaker still

Cravings: still on the apple juice kick! Its SO good

Symptoms: acid reflux bad this week, kidney pain, bladder pain, and ALL kinds of braxton hicks. I was put on the monitor daily at the hospital and always showed contractions 3-6 minutes apart, but no sign of progression ;-(

Looking forward to: BEING INDUCED IN EXACTLY ONE WEEK (If I don't go into labor earlier). My doctor has decided to induce me at 39 weeks due to the strain this pregnancy has put on my kidneys. He says little baby girl is doing just fine but the risk only involves me now. I'm scared and nervous, but mostly down right full of excitement to get to FINALLY meet her in less then a week!