8 weeks ago today. I remember sharing Lolas birth story and getting so many amazing responses. Her birth was SO traumatic and left a really scary spot in my brain knowing I was going to do it again. We went in on September 20th at 5am, scheduled for a csection to start at 7am. I was a lot calmer than I thought I would be. The IV went in, we waited around, we met our nurses and anesthesiologist, we were assured we would get skin to skin time in the operating room this time, and 7am rolled around. They asked me to get up and walk into the OR. This was it. But was it? I started panicking, I remember telling Chuck we should just go home, and that I didn’t think I could do it. They all promised me I could and that I had already done it with a lot more trauma. So I walked in quietly knowing that if I kept my mouth shut and focused I would be fine. When I get really nervous, I get super quiet and I need to just not talk so I can stay focused. It’s like if I open my mouth, I’ll lose it. So all was fine, I kept calm, got my spinal and laid down. They had to tilt me backwards to move the spinal up and I remember feeling pure terror thinking that the spinal would go too high again just like Lola’s delivery. I was practically upside down for what felt like forever but maybe only 10 minutes. I got an instant migraine and told them my head was killing me. I was risen back up and they let Chuck come in. I was so ready to start, meet my son, and get out of that OR! A few minutes had gone by and they asked us both what we thought he was going to weigh, I responded with 8lbs 12oz, and Chuck was so nervous he just said “yeah I’ll go with that too!” I felt an insane amount of pressure, and let out the worst scream I’ve ever let out, but with no noise because they pushed so hard they took all my air out of my lungs! At this point I thought there was a nurse sitting on me and my ribs were broken for sure, they pushed hard on me again, and I heard the faintest cry!! I asked if he was okay, and I heard my doctor say “drape!” And they pulled the drape down for a split second and put Charlie right in my face! The first look at MY SON, finally! He was born at 8:16am! I guarantee I’ve never cried so hard in my life. I was sobbing with so much joy that I couldn’t breathe. They brought him around and showed me again and my first words were “HE’S BLONDE!” I had no idea we were capable of making a sweet little blonde boy, but man I was happy. They wiped him off and weighed him and about 5 nurses and Chuck all turned to me with so much excitement shouting “8lbs 12oz!!!!!”
I was ready to try skin to skin and felt a huge waive of nausea come over me and told the anesthesiologist I was going to throw up. I REALLY started throwing up. Which I have never done laying flat with my guts ripped open! I was honestly thinking “please don’t let me lose any of my organs!” But the anesthesiologist was so calming, was holding a cold wash cloth on my face and rubbing my head and brushing my hair back. He was truly amazing. He kept telling me “not much longer” and assuring me everything was going perfectly. I heard him ask the doctor if he could turn the Petocin down because I was so sick. And it seemed like as soon as he did I felt so much better. I honestly don’t know how much time went by but I remember thanking God over and over and over when they told me we were done. I had made it, and my son was perfect. They wheeled me into recovery and I started shaking uncontrollably. I remember the same thing happening with Lola, and they told me it was normal but I knew I had to wait to hold him. I was trying so hard to just calm down and finally I held him for the first time. He nursed perfectly and my life was instantly changed. We keep saying we’re done having kids, and maybe we are. But I’m forever grateful to have that moment of my doctor showing him to me and the feeling of PURE joy. Not the kind of joy you have on a vacation, or winning a game, or even watching your kid learn something new. Joy like, I know this is my purpose, this is what I’m here for.
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