Thursday, March 31, 2016

My Exclusive Breastfeeding Experience

I don't know if its because I'm a mom, but it seems like every day I see something or read something about breast feeding, so I thought I'd share what my experience was like while I was breast feeding. This is written without any judgement for whatever you feed your child. Breast milk, formula, mashed potatoes. I don't care what it is, we're all moms doing our best and life just sometimes doesn't turn out the way we thought.




Before I had Lola, I was convinced I was going to breast feed her and all would be alright. I got a pump, a nursing cover, pump parts, accessories, nursing bras, nursing tank tops, Medela bottles, the whole nine yards. I was so stocked up and ready. After my c-section, I was so numb I couldn't hold Lola for almost two hours. You can read about her traumatic birth story here.
So by the time I was in recovery, and strong enough to hold her, they told me I should do skin-to-skin and see if she wanted to latch. She didn't even look at me, she laid her head down and wanted to nurse right away. She latched immediately, no problem. It was the most incredible feeling I have ever felt in my entire life. I was hooked.
I had some help from nurses teaching me how to breast feed, some positions I could try since I had an incision, and how to get her to properly latch. It all seemed too easy in the hospital.
Fast forward a couple days and we were home with our girl. I was EXHAUSTED, but Lola wanted to eat every 1-3 hours, so I knew I had to suck it up. Enter, sore, cracked, scabbed over, bleeding nipples. Oh my gosh, I wanted to rip them off it hurt so bad. I remember balling my eyes out and counting out loud to 20 during the initial latch. I would have Chuck count out loud for me so I didn't have to think. It was the most painful thing I've ever experienced. And we we're doing it 10+ times a day. I knew I had to get help. I went to a couple lactation classes that first 1-2 weeks. The classes seemed to go well, but as soon as we got home, it didn't seem to be working anymore. Lola would nurse for 30-40 minutes ON EACH SIDE at every feeding, and it still was so painful. Everyone kept telling me to keep powering through it and it would get better. Around week 4 I decided I needed a one on one session with a lactation specialist. I had two in one day, and both sessions we did great. But then I was right back to pain at home. I was losing my mind. I literally don't even know who I was at that point. I would spend every nursing session wiping tears from my phone that I was using to find ANY and ALL advice on the internet to help me with this. Lola and I were not bonding, and I was hating breast feeding. I was upset with myself, and upset with her. I felt like the worst mother in the world. But I really needed to feel like I had tried my hardest to make it work, before giving up. 
At this point... Chuck, my mom and dad, and my mother in law were all telling me  it would be okay to stop putting myself through this. I still felt like a failure. The day Lola turned one month old, we gave her the first bottle of formula. I felt terrible, but I also felt the biggest sigh of relief I've ever felt before. I had breast milk in the freezer so for about a week I was able to give her every other bottle of breast milk. I still think to this day "what if" but I also know in my heart what a happy and loving baby she is. She loves to eat, she sleeps like a champ, and she rarely ever fusses. 



What I learned from this experience is that  in order to take care of your baby, to genuinely and really bond with her/him, you must first be healthy and happy with yourself. I didn't get to bond with her the way it should've been for the first month. I regret that. But I don't regret making the decision to finally give myself, and her, the love and care we both deserved. 

3 comments:

  1. I found your blog from your comment on Jessica Garvin's breastfeeding post. I just had my first at the end of March and had a nearly identical BF experience as you. I am so thankful to know I'm not alone! I had the same cracked, bleeding nipples and would sob and sob every time I had to feed. It took everything in me not to squeeze her so tight because of the pain. I felt like such a failure finally giving up after a month (and still struggle with it!) but I know in my heart it was the right thing for us. I wasn't able to enjoy my daughter because of the pain and anxiety feeding time was- every 2 hours. I was literally a mess. I too went to lactation specialists (6 one-on-one appts) and every time would leave feeling encouraged like we had figured it out, but the moment we got home it was back to the pain. I still struggle with the guilt of quitting sometimes, but felt so much relief and was able to enjoy my daughter so much more once we stopped. I will be interested to see what will happen when we have baby #2 someday. Anyway, Thanks for sharing your story - I'm so glad I found your blog!

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    1. Thanks so much for reading & commenting! I really appreciate it. Why didn't anyone tell us breastfeeding would be so hard?? I beat myself up for a long time after quitting, but now have an almost 9 month old who just loves to eat!! I'm glad you also found the strength to be happier for you and her!! Keep up the good work, mama!

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  2. I just found your blog as well. I had my daughter at the end of December last year. Her name is also Lola! Such a beautiful name! I had difficulty breastfeeding as well. I went the route of a shield that a nurse gave me in the hospital my second night and I believe it messed with my supply in the beginning. My 9 month old has been fully formula fed for the past 5 mo the and she is exactly the same. Sleeps great, super happy and I have my sanity. 👏🏻

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